The Premier League is a Cruel Animal: EPL Gameweek 5 Results: Triumph for Spurs, City, and Liverpool as Man Utd Suffer a Cruel Loss

EPL Gameweek 5 is here *growls* and Lord is it a cruel animal. Despite Manchester United’s best efforts, they suffered a cruel home loss with their contenders Tottenham, Liverpool, and Man City sailing through, albeit with some struggle. Here’s how EPL GW 5 went and Lord was it rough… rooooooarrrr!!!!!

Ange, The Man, The Legend: Spurs Beat Sheffield United

The most exciting fixture of EPL GW 5 so far was Spurs vs. Sheffield United. Sheffield were out for blood and finally managed a lead goal in the 73rd minute via Gustavo Hamer. Things were looking to go very awry for Spurs at this point, with the man Ange in a fit of visible anger that could only mimic an angry lion in a cage *roar*.

Normal time came and went and the game got a few added minutes of stoppage time. Ange was still in his stance and 8 minutes in, Richarlison pulled what was a fantastic equalizer, much to the relief of everyone, except the SHU fans of course. Stoppage time went on and out of the blue, like Chelsea are off the top 10 in the league table, Dejan Kulusevski scored Tottenham’s winning goal two minutes later, prompting Ange to throw his hands up, fists locked in an acknowledgment of his victory. Spurs had managed the unlikely and beaten Sheffield United 2-1, with both goals going in during stoppage time.

Look Out! It’s Ange Postecoglou

Ange has been a phenomenal coach for Spurs, a team that was flailing only last season. He’s managed to bring fire and fury to the club in a way that has enabled them good success. I have always been adamant that we should all look out for this man, because I know he’s going to bring a storm to the Premier League this season. You may not realize it by now, but Ange is quickly becoming a legendary manager.

A Klopp of a Lifetime: Liverpool Beat Wolves

Liverpool, despite recent struggles, even with the Saudi League, have brought back their spark, beating Wolves a cool 3-1. Things, however, started differently with Wolves’ Hwang Hee-Chan opening the scoring for them in the 7th minute. The game went into halftime before Cody Gakpo equalized for Liverpool in the 55th minute. Then came Andrew Robertson who made it two for ‘The Reds’ with his fabulous strike in the 85th minute. Hugo Bueno then made it three a minute into stoppage time.

Yes, A Klopp of A Lifetime

Perhaps the most proud manager today, apart from Ange Postecoglou, is Jurgen Klopp who was impeccably delighted by his team’s performance. Liverpool played so well, especially in the second half, that it showed a reigniting of that spark that saw them lift the Premier League title a few seasons back.

No Pep, No Problem: Man City Beat West Ham

Another match that blew our hats off was Manchester City vs. West Ham. City have been without manager Pep Guardiola who had been away for a back operation. Pep was back, however, but had only been for a few days, with the boys having had to contend with his absence.

Come to the match, West Ham’s ‘Mr. Dependable’ James Ward-Prowse, went in with a dive-down header to put WHU ahead in the 36th minute and things started looking unsteady for City. Just before halftime, however, City’s Jeremy Doku equalized in the 46th minute, with the game going into halftime in a one-all draw.

Come the second half, West Ham continued their raid but this time, Bernardo Silva proved too elusive and scored City’s second in the 76th minute. By this time, Haaland had eight attempts at goal or so, and it seemed ‘the goal machine’ had a cog that was stuck. The ponytail was loosened, however, with Haaland scoring his 47th Premier League goal in the 86th minute. The machine was back! The game ended 3-1 in favor of Man City, continuing their undefeated streak this season, a phenomenal 100% win rate in EPL 23-24!

Above all, City have proven that they are such a good team that even the manager going away would not destabilize them. They are the team to beat this season, and boy are they aching to play their first UCL group stage match!

Cruel Loss for Man United at Home: Oh ten Hag, What’s Not What Erik!

The Premier League is a cruel animal, not least for Manchester United’s cruel loss against Brighton. What made the 3-1 loss to Brighton even harder was that United lost at home! It was the first time since the Premier League started that United have lost 3 of their first 5 games of the season. My goodness!

Danny Welbeck opened the scoring for Brighton in the 20th minute with Pascal Grob making it 2-0 in favor of Brighton in the 53rd minute. That was not all, and Joao Pedro added his name to the scoreboard in the 71st minute making it 3-0. The rain had well beaten Man Utd at this point before Hannibal (a curly-headed beast of a bloke) came in to score United’s only reprieve goal in the 73rd minute. New club signing, Rasmus Hojlund had scored a goal that was later denied, ridding him of what would have been his debut goal for United. United couldn’t put another in and away went the much-needed home victory.

ten Hag Defends Maguire

ten Hag had recently defended Maguire for the “criticism” he’s faced but it seems ‘the Harry’s shi8tness’ is communicable cause boy are United playing like sh#t. Erik ten Hag needs to put his ducks in a row because as a Man Utd fan, we can’t keep being embarrassed like this, especially at home, in our legendary abode.

De Zerbi, De Fuego

Brighton coach Roberto De Zerbi has proven yet again that like Ange, he’s a man to watch out for. Brighton did to United something that they won’t forget in a long time. De Zerbi literally came to their homefront and showed them how football is played. So much for being a legendary club.

Other EPL Gameweek 5 Results:

Villa Beat Palace

In other EPL GW 5 results, Aston Villa beat Crystal Palace 3-1 in what was a hard-fought fixture. Odsonne Edouard opened the scoring for Crystal in the 47th minute and then the game really started. For the rest of the second half, things looked bleak for Villa and 3 minutes before the end of normal time, Jhon Duran equalized for Villa sparking a glimmer of hope.

Come stoppage time, Villa won a penalty which Douglas Luiz converted on 90+8’. Things started looking up for Villa, with Leon Bailey scoring their winning goal 3 minutes later. Aston Villa had achieved a feat that seemed unthinkable just 5 minutes to the end of the game.

Call Him Wilson, Callum Wilson!

In another of EPL Gameweek 5’s delights, Newcastle managed to beat Brentford 1-0, in a match that seemed to be anybody’s. Newcastle, now a few weeks ahead of their clash with PSG in the UEFA Champions League group stage, have been floundering of late and coach Eddie Howe was visibly in unease as the game went on.

The saving grace, however, was Callum Wilson who scored Newcastle’s winning and only goal in the 64th minute, much to the relief of everyone, especially Howe. Newcastle have lost their form of late and need a beat off Liverpool’s drum, to reignite that fire that saw them finish last season in third place and qualify for the UCL.

Luton Town Still Yet to Arrive in the PL Table

In another of GW 5 matches, Fulham beat league entrants Luton Town 1-0, with Carlos Vinicius scoring the winning goal in the 65th minute. What this result means, however, is that Luton Town are yet to win a single game of the five they’ve played so far, and remain at 0 points, inexistent in the Premier League Table. It’s time they got into city mentality and left being a town behind.

Update (Sep 19 2023):

Nottm Forest Draw Burnley

In the last of EPL GW 5 matches, Nottm Forest drew Burnley 1-1. Zeki Amdouni opened the scoring for Burnley in the 41st minute with Callum Hudson-Odoi scoring the equalizer for Nottm in the 61st minute. Nottm aren’t doing as well as we’d expect them to and we hope they’ll pull up their socks.

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